


Choices

by ShadowHaloedAngel



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Other, POV First Person, Suicidal Thoughts, bullying/possible abuse, questioning of the existence of free will, serious angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 03:18:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowHaloedAngel/pseuds/ShadowHaloedAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a very depressing and brief look at what some of Yazoo's thoughts might be as a member of a trio created as a replacement for a hero, a perfect being. What it is like to know that your only purpose is beauty and sex appeal, and to be forced to use that, as your only ability, for the sake of the brothers who are your whole world, in desperate pursuit of a mother's love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choices

I suppose they'll want to know why I did it. I suspect it will lead to a lot of confusion, mostly because everybody thinks of me as nothing more than an empty headed bimbo, a braindead barbie doll good for one thing and one thing only. After all, dolls don't have feelings, do they.

They thought I couldn't hear what they said about me, but even if I'd been deaf to the comments, I'm not so brainless that I don't know what wolfwhistles really mean. So what if I turned for them, flashing them the flirtatious smile? That didn't mean I'd make good on it, except, of course, for the times I was forced to. That brittle confidence was like a mask, the only shield I had, but of course, every shield finally reaches a point where it buckles, and breaks, and the blows get through. I've reached that point.

What else are you supposed to do when the only thing you inherit is sex appeal? When you have no other feature, no purpose, other than breaking hearts with a single glance, than spreading yourself wide for the taking, just to get what you want, cheapening yourself to the highest bidder, or to whoever has what's necessary? I'm nothing more or less than what I was born to be, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the raw hatred. It makes it harder, to know I will never be accepted, cherished, valued as anything more than a quick fumble and a moment of release.

Call someone a whore enough times and they'll start to believe it, it'll start to stick, and they'll never believe themselves to be anything different, just like I'll always know I will never be worth saving.

I'm so sick of being a slut now, it's something I was made, not something I chose. How many times will I have to close my eyes and pray for it to end before somebody notices something isn't right? As many as there are stars in the sky, and maybe even more than that. When they've had their pleasure, who cares about the whore? Provided you pay the price, they're yours, right? What worth does a whore have as anything more than meat.

I'm still not sure how I feel about what I've done. On one hand, it's the first step towards being me, towards perhaps finding acceptance. On the other, I've destroyed the one thing that I was, I've ruined Mother's plan, and now I truly am worthless.

I should have known I could never do anything right. The blade is right there, maybe it would be best if I just ended it all now, just let it bleed out on the floor. I don't know whether that would be better, or worse; whether that would ruin the rest of what's left, or whether by doing what I've done there's nothing left to ruin and it no longer matters how far I go. I made one conscious choice, if I make another and end it all, is it really my decision, or is it mother's, yet again, destroying her failed son?

I suppose I'll only know for sure if I meet her in the darkness, and there's nothing left for me here anyway. Loz and Kadaj can find another body to sell now, there are other people who could do it, who'd be happy to earn double the money for seducing their way into places. My brothers were supposed to be my family, but I wasn't worth enough for them to protect. Maybe that is telling enough as to all I am, all I'll ever be. If I'm not good enough for them, I'm not good enough for anyone, but I'm too much of a coward to finish the job with the razor that's still glistening wetly on the floor. I'll close my eyes and let the lifestream make its choice.

I only hope I don't wake up.


End file.
